Self-Limiting Beliefs vs. Self-Sabotage

Yikes! These are two hard phrases. this podcast looks at what they are, how they are intertwined, and what you can do to stop both of them!

Podcast Transcript
Let’s talk about these two words. Well, five words I guess. Self-limiting beliefs and self-sabotage. They both sound dreadful! LOL. I don’t intend for this to be a dreadful podcast, I just want to talk about these two and how they are different.

Let’s start with self-limiting beliefs. These are the things or the beliefs that you have told yourself for many years. They might be coming from what you think about yourself, or maybe they developed from certain situations or words people said to you and you adopted them as your beliefs. You know how I love a good definition. So, according to dictionary.com, belief is:

• something believed; an opinion or conviction:
  • a belief that the earth is flat.
• confidence in the truth or existence of something not immediately susceptible to rigorous proof:
  • a statement unworthy of belief.
• confidence; faith; trust:
  • a child’s belief in his parents.
• a religious tenet or tenets; religious creed or faith:
  • the Christian belief.

Limiting is defined as serving to restrict or restrain; restrictive; confining.
And Self is:

• a person or thing referred to with respect to complete individuality:
  • one’s own self.
• a person’s nature, character, etc.:
  • his better self.
• personal interest.

I guess those are a little backwards. Ha! But, if you put those definition together it would sound something like this:

•  A person referred to with respect to complete individuality, serving to restrict or restrain confidence in the truth or existence of something not immediately susceptible to rigorous proof. Or:
• A person referred to with respect to complete individuality, serving to restrict confidence, faith or trust.

 I’m going to read both again.

• A person referred to with respect to complete individuality, serving to restrict or restrain confidence in the truth or existence of something not immediately susceptible to rigorous proof. Or:
• A person referred to with respect to complete individuality, serving to restrict confidence, faith or trust.

The second one I like best because it is shorter and to me, gets the point across quickly. The point being, that self-limiting beliefs do us no good. And yet, it is us putting the beliefs there. Let’s go back to where these beliefs are coming from. While yes, the first word says it all with ‘self,’ we might need to dig a little deeper. Why is this belief coming from us? What happened or what was said to even put the thought in our head and then enough to make is a belief we are carrying around. I will tell you some of the self-limiting beliefs I had or still work on today to shed.

1.   I am not enough

2.   I am not strong enough

3.   The list of ‘not enough(s)’ could go on for a while here…

4.   I am fat and no one will love me

5.   I am not smart enough to start my own business

6.   I am not a counselor so no one will want to talk to me

7.   I have messed up too many times

8.   I’m not a good mom

9.   I don’t know how to run a business

10.  People won’t like my style

11. Women won’t want to talk to me

12.  I don’t deserve…..

I am sure you have a list too. Some of the ones on my list I have a pretty good idea of why they are there. Other ones, however, don’t really make any sense. No one has said them to me. Ever!

 Okay – we’ve covered self, but for a reminder. It is:

• a person or thing referred to with respect to complete individuality:
  • one’s own self.
• a person’s nature, character, etc.
  • his better self.
• personal interest.

And sabotage is defined as:

• any underhand interference with production, work, etc., in a plant, factory, etc., as by enemy agents during wartime or by employees during a trade dispute.
• any undermining of a cause.

 So if we put those together we will get:

A person referred to with respect to complete individuality who underhandedly interferes with the production of work or undermines a cause.

Do either of the following sound like someone you’d like running your life?

1.   A person referred to with respect to complete individuality, serving to restrict confidence, faith, or trust.

2.   A person referred to with respect to complete individuality who underhandedly interferes with the production of work or undermines a cause.

No? Right! So why do we do that? Simple answer is that many times we don’t realize we are doing it until after it’s done.

I want to talk a little bit more about self-sabotage. I believe that self-limiting beliefs fuel your self-sabotage. Your beliefs will guide your actions and your beliefs will become your reality. That means if you are having self-limiting beliefs, you will live those out through self-sabotage. Part of me starting Something Better, My Darling, meant that I needed to be transparent and honest with you. That was and can still be scary to me because I have made some mistakes and if I could go back for some of them, I would. I say this, because I want to walk through how this plays out in my life and how I continue to learn to navigate it. I would also like to talk about some of the tools and tips to work through both of these, which again, I truly think are intertwined.

One of my worst self-sabotaging habits is not sticking to healthy eating to reach my goals. Growing up I was not a thin girl, but it really never seemed to bother me. When I got to college and engaged to my first husband I started working out and eating much healthier. I realized I could be a healthy weight and feel good about myself. Since then I have tried to watch what I eat, but it has resulted in some yo-yo dieting. I like to tell myself that it is because I just don’t have enough willpower, but that is not the case. I know I need to do some work here. There is a self-limiting belief that I don’t deserve to be healthy or fit. I realize how silly that sounds and it doesn’t make sense, but there are some deep roots here that I have to work through. The comments that have stuck with me about being big-boned, or boys barking at me. I started to live out that story even though I don’t want it to be my story. I am working on changing that story. It isn’t easy and I know it won’t change overnight.

Another self-limiting belief I have, even though it is hard for me to admit, is that I must not deserve an amazing boyfriend or husband. I like to tell myself that I do, but I know that in my core there is a block and an old storyline I am telling myself based on past relationships that I must not be worthy or deserving since I do not have those. Again, I work daily on breaking through this self-limiting belief. How this turns into self-sabotage is me giving men who don’t deserve a chance, a chance, or staying in a relationship too long, because what if they turn into an amazing human all of a sudden. LOL. Not likely to happen.

Let’s talk about how we can work to get these to go away. Clearly I cannot claim that I have this all figured out. All I can tell you how I am daily trying to rid my self of the two self-limiting beliefs I just mentioned, and a few others too. I wish I only had two of them. Haha.

Here we go. Me and my lists!

1. You need to identify your self-limiting beliefs and how they are playing out in your world as self-sabotage. To do this, think about a goal you have had, but haven’t been able to reach. Let’s use my healthy and fit example. I have had a goal of losing 15 pounds for…well…I don’t know how long! I’ll eat great and exercise for a while, lose a couple of pounds, and then before I know it, I am not logging my food and eating everything in sight. This, My Darlings, is self-sabotage as it’s finest! You would think that after losing a few pounds my brain would say, “keep it up!” However, the opposite happens, almost like autopilot. Look for instances like this in your life. Here are some areas to consider: health, finances, work, education, relationships, and school. And I know I am missing some, but this will get you started.
   
2. Look at how this self-limiting belief is playing out as self-sabotage. If you say you want to go back to school but your self-limiting belief is that you aren’t good at saving money, you might be self-sabotaging by not following a budget you’ve set. Or maybe you don’t have a budget.
   
3. Tell yourself to stop it. You can even name the mean girl in your head if that helps. In the book, “The Untethered Soul,” by Michael Singer he talks about that extra voice in your head and thinking about the voice as a roommate. If that voice in your head was your roommate…would you like her? I know I wouldn’t like mine all of the time. She can be very mean. I like the idea of naming the voice, because I am clearly hard enough on myself the way it is, so it makes is easier to tell the mean girl to stop. My mean girl’s name is Nancy. I only chose it because of the alliteration of “knock it off Nancy!” So when Nancy sets in and I recognize it, I simply say, “Knock it off Nancy!” Then move to step 4.
   
4. Re-write the belief. What should you be saying to yourself instead? What is the real truth? Tell yourself this truth instead!! There are a couple of ways to do this. You can use “I” statements such as “I am healthy. I make healthy food choices to support my healthy and fit lifestyle. Or, you can wish yourself something. I wish you a great week of healthy food choices and exercise to meet your goals. I like the second version. This sort of tricks my brain into thinking that it is positive reinforcement from someone else. We tend to listen to other people better than ourselves.
   
5. Forgive yourself for having the negative thought. Or forgive your “Nancy” for being mean. This will become faster and faster for you to practice. And you’ll soon find yourself stopping Nancy before she can finish being mean.

All of that is for self-limiting beliefs. Up next, self-sabotage. Since self-limiting beliefs and self-sabotage are connected, self-sabotage will ease up as our self-limiting beliefs are transitioned into real truths. However, in the meantime, since as you know it will take some time we can plan and be ready for the ways we self-sabotage.

1. Don’t be around or put yourself in situations that you know aren’t good for you. My healthy example and love of Oreos. I know I can’t have Oreos in my house, or I will eat them. All of them. I just don’t buy them.
   
2. Have a picture or piece of paper with your goal written down on it, so when those habits might creep up you can look at the picture or your goal to help remind you why you are doing this.
   
3. Say your truths! You know which self-limiting belief is trigger your self-sabotage, so go back to that truth and repeat it to yourself!

I will not pretend that what I am suggesting is easy and a quick fix. It is not, but it will help you get to your goals and help you reach your full potential. You just have to start. Do your list of self-limiting beliefs and how they play out as self-sabotage today. There will always be excuses for not doing something. No more excuses for being mean to ourselves. Knock it off Nancy!

There were a lot of steps in this podcast. All of the notes from today can be found on my website under the podcast. Somethingbettermydarling.com.