Toxic Positivity. What the heck is this?! It was a new term to me, and I had to work through it. My brain sees it best, as, “no sugar coating it.”
Podcast Transcript
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Toxic Positivity. Let’s talk about this. The first time I heard this term I rolled my eyes. I didn’t think anyone could be so positive it would be toxic. I didn’t even stop to think about what it meant. It just seemed ridiculous to me. Probably because I am generally a positive person and I was sort of offended by the thought that my positivity could be toxic. I thought about this for several days, actually probably a week or two. I could not get it out of my brain. I admittedly had not truly looked up what this meant at that point. And you know this is coming…I needed a definition. You know, I am learning a lot about myself as I do this podcast. I didn’t realize how much I need to define words or situations in my life. But apparently I do!
Anyway, back to the definition of Toxic Positivity. There is not one official definition of this, but the information I am using is from The Psychology Group and from a blog they did called, “Toxic Positivity: The Dark Side of Positive Vibes.”
https://thepsychologygroup.com/toxic-positivity/
In their blog, they define toxic positivity as “the excessive and ineffective overgeneralization of a happy, optimistic state across all situations” They go on to say that “the process of toxic positivity results in the denial, minimization, and invalidation of the authentic human emotional experience.”
They also give some examples of how this might look:
- Hiding/Masking your true feelings
- Trying to “just get on with it” by stuffing/dismissing an emotion(s)
- Feeling guilty for feeling what you feel
- Minimizing other people’s experiences with “feel good” quotes or statements
- Trying to give someone perspective (e.g., “it could be worse”) instead of validating their emotional experience
- Shaming or chastising others for expressing frustration or anything other than positivity
- Brushing off things that are bothering you with an “It is what it is”
That is a lot to process. In my brain, I thought of this as sugar coating it. Right? Don’t sugar coat your feelings. Don’t sugar coat a situation. You can see it, and feel it for what it is! No sugar, please! And again, I had to really sit with this one. Because you know what? I have done some of these things! Not because I was trying to be mean or toxic, but because I thought I was doing the right thing by being positive. I have felt guilty for feeling sad before. I have hid my true feelings. I have brushed off things that bother me without addressing them. I apparently am more positively toxic to myself than others, which I guess is good, but still. Jeesh! After I did some reading and research on this, I started to feel, well, better. It was like someone gave me permission to feel sad. I honestly felt relieved. Like oh, it is okay if I am sad. It’s okay if I am mad. It is okay if I am just meh today. And you know what, it is okay if I am super happy too! Here is the funniest part to me. I know if it is okay to feel all of the feelings, but for some reason, I wasn’t allowing myself to actually feel them, or think it was okay to feel them. Just because you know something doesn’t mean your brain will believe it. Or do it! I know eating an entire row of Oreos is bad for me, but I do it anyway. We know that not letting ourselves feel all of the feelings is bad, but we can block out emotions anyway.
I felt a second wave of relief with this term because I have been labeled a positive person. Even in my personality and profile tests I rank high in positivity. I am literally a ‘woo’ girl! I like this label and trying to see the good, but this is where my guilt came in. If I am a positive person, I shouldn’t feel bad, right? Wrong. Enter that second wave of relief. Oh good, I have permission to feel icky if I need to. And you know what, if my friends and family are having a hard time, it is okay for them to feel bad too. And there is no timeframe on this for people. Everyone works through their emotions at their own pace. Personally, I don’t like feeling icky so I give myself a set amount of time and then I try to pick myself up and feel better. But that works for me. I am not saying everyone has to do that. On the flip side, I don’t think wallowing is good either. Fine lines and balance here.
This is not to say a positive attitude is bad, but like everything, done in excess can be harmful. We are human and God gave us a wide range of emotions for a reason. Toxic positivity is the type of positivity done in excess. Believe me, I do think there is power in a positive mind and that in general it is more fun to be around positive people than negative, but again, balance. Positive doesn’t mean not human.
Half of the battle for me is being aware of this concept. Being aware so I don’t do it to myself or others. The Psychology Today Group had a great chart too. This is also on my website, but I wanted to talk through a couple of these examples, but it wasn’t super clear to me how to adjust my language.
DON’T SAY THIS SAY THIS
| “Don’t think about it, stay positive!” | “Describe what you’re feeling, I’m listening.” |
| “Don’t worry, be happy!” | “I see that you’re really stressed, anything I can do?” |
| “Failure is not an option.” | “Failure is a part of growth and success.” |
| “Everything will work out in the end.” | “This is really hard, I’m thinking of you.” |
| “Positive vibes only!” | “I’m here for you both good and bad.” |
| “If I can do it, so can you!” | “Everyone’s story, abilities, limitations are different, and that’s okay |
| “Delete Negativity” | “Suffering is a part of life, you are not alone.” |
| “Look for the silver lining.” | “I see you. I’m here for you.” |
| “Everything happens for a reason.” | “Sometimes we can draw the short straw in life. How can I support you during this hard time?” |
| “It could be worse.” | “That sucks. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.” |
Again, this is not to say being positive is bad, because I will always lean toward positivity. This is more recognizing that it is all okay for us to feel all of the emotions and to work through them at our own pace. We are all unique. We should not be hard on ourselves or others for how they feel or what they are working through. Encouragement is good, when done in the right amount and at the right time. Be mindful. No sugar, please!
Something Better, My Darling 